|17| Honey Lemon Shots: I travelled with both of my parents and it was...great?!

It's been a while Honeys! Two solo episodes in a row? Who am I?!

I had a few reflections after coming back from my trip so this is more of a audio journal of things I learned not only about myself but about my parents while on vacation. When I came back from vacation I had quite a few people messaging me and telling me in person they were surprised that I went away with my parents and actually didn't pull my hair out? I was actually surprised myself but in a good way! This trip really made me see my parents and their relationship in a different light. I was able to appreciate them a little more and I even felt like I understood them a bit better.

If you've ever felt like the child that needs to be the mediator or the third parent, you'll resonate with this episode. Maybe it's an eldest daughter thing?? Maybe not. Overall I realized all them years of therapy have worked! 

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Transcript

HLP Ep 17 Solo

[00:00:00] Okay, welcome back to the Honey Lemon Podcast, my name is Angie, and I'm your host, diving into those sweet and sour experiences that make us who we are. So today is another solo episode, it's gonna be a short one, hopefully, I don't know how long it's gonna be. When it actually is done, but here we are.

This is the first time I'm gonna try my best get some video footage of me while recording because I have been really slacking on just having video footage of the podcast. Like I have tons of zoom footage with all my guests and stuff like that, but I don't know, it's just, here's the thing, with video, it just adds a layer of so much work and time and effort, and I usually, with passion projects such as these, I get overwhelmed, I wanna start everything do everything perfectly right off the bat, and that becomes [00:01:00] overwhelming, and then I'm like, well.

There's no point in doing this anyway. So, yeah, I didn't want to do that with this. So it's crazy because it's almost been a year since starting the Honey Lemon podcast, which is wild because there's only been like 16 episodes or something. So as of up to this point, I think this is episode 17 that I'm recording as I'm speaking right now.

 It was supposed to be two episodes a month. Of course, I missed a month or two here and there, but, I'm so proud of myself for actually sticking with this. And, I just want to thank everyone who, like, sent me their Spotify Wrapped.

It's like, end of the year, Spotify Wrapped season. Everyone has been, sending me their screenshots of their Spotify wrapped, their top podcasts, or they've been tagging me in it on IG, and it's just, it's so wild. I never thought I'd be, like, a top podcast on someone's list, so that's pretty [00:02:00] cool.

 I just want to shout out everyone and just thank you for listening and continue to support and continue to listen the episodes are here for you when you're ready to listen to them like I get messages from people that are like, oh I need to catch up I need to like I'm not caught up yet it's okay, they're gonna be there forever, so you can listen to them when you want.

 They're there for you, whenever you need them. I thoroughly enjoy looking at people's Spotify rapped. I genuinely care what people are listening to, like, I want to see, , if what I think about you, , matches your listening habits.

And sometimes it's, like, totally left field. Like, I remember it wasn't Spotify rap, but it was this other thing that everybody was posting, and it kind of, like, summarized, oh, it was, like, If you had a, like a Coachella what would your concert look like?

What would your festival look like? So it would be, like, your top listens, then your minor listens, it was nice to, like, see people [00:03:00] listening to stuff that I was like, oh, I don't know. that you like that kind of music or I didn't think you would be that type of person recently I've been really into metal which I never thought I'd say but Len and I and a few of our friends we went to the Fall Out Boy concert this past summer which it was like that's not really a concert I would Go to like pay to go to but Len bought the tickets like I do like follow a boy and I like their songs But I'm not an avid listener where I have to listen to their albums and stuff.

It's mostly just stuff that's on the radio. So We went and bring me the horizon was headlining As well. So it was like a double headline or whatever. So they bring me the horizon, did like a full set as well. And if you don't know, bring me the horizon. They're this British metal band and if you listen to their earlier stuff, it's like little bit scary

But the later stuff[00:04:00] I wouldn't think that I would enjoy it, but when I heard it live and I saw them perform, just the energy that they brought, the musicality, and just the skill that it takes to sing metal music, like, it is an actual skill. You have to train your voice to, , sing like that.

So, yeah, now I'm that girl that's, like, in the gym, listening to Bring Me the Horizon. And it's great, so I just love bringing it back to the Spotify Wrapped. That's why I love Spotify Wrapped, because it just shows you, like, everyone's multifaceted, everyone has different interests that you might not know, and it's nice to, like, get introduced to stuff that you might not necessarily have been introduced to before.

So anyways, big shoutout to everyone that tagged me, and Who did their thing and just has been like supporting the podcast from day one. You know who you are. I love you keep listening That brings me to if you haven't rated the podcast yet, [00:05:00] Spotify Wrap told me that I'm in over 200 listeners top 10 podcasts. So that means, , over 200 people listen to this podcast, which I already knew, but I didn't think. I would be in their top 10. So, that means I should have at least 200 reviews and 200 star ratings on my Spotify and Apple Podcasts.

So, if you're listening to this and you have not done the rating or a review, on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Please go do that. Go give me a star rating on my Spotify page and go give me a little rating on Apple Podcasts if you have an iPhone. Give me a little review. Just a nice few words that's very helpful to the podcast because it helps the podcast get indexed better.

It helps, , searchability. It helps all of these different things. So if you want to continue to support me and continue to, you know, make this community bigger and [00:06:00] better, just, just do me a solid and give me a review and a star rating. Thank you so much. So moving on to this week's episode. , this is gonna be kind of a vacay, reflections type thing.

If you don't know, I recently traveled to Malaysia and India with my parents. I went to Malaysia with my mom and a few of her friends. I was just a tag along. I haven't traveled in like four years basically since before the pandemic and I really just wanted to get out and I really just wanted to spend time with my mom.

So we went to Malaysia together. It was great. I did get super Jet lagged which has never ever happened to me before I've never experienced jet lag like this I didn't even know what jet lag was. I thought jet lag is just like, oh, you're tired, whatever, but That is not what it is I Basically was nauseous for the first three days of my trip.

I just was not myself. [00:07:00] I couldn't function by 7 p. m. every day. I was ready for bed, which is totally fine. it is what it is. I still was happy to not be working, even though I like my job, and I love my co workers, and all that stuff. It's just nice to not be focused on Anything except relaxing and enjoying and, doing your thing in another country, because that's all you can do.

So that was very nice. I spent so much time with my mom, which was amazing. Because ever since I moved out, I feel like I haven't really spent too much, chunks of time with her. Like, of course I'll see them every now and then. It'll be like, a dinner here, a lunch there, , they'll bring me food, I will drop by.

We only live like 15 20 minutes away from each other but, you know, life happens and things get busy and you get tired and whatever. So, it was just really nice to spend some good quality time with my mom. And I definitely, like, learned a few things about her because I, [00:08:00] I guess this is the first time I've traveled with her.

As a full blown adult, where I'm taking care of myself, she's taking care of herself, but we're just traveling together, and we're enjoying each other's company. So it's a different experience than when you're younger totally different, because you have agency over, you know, what you can eat.

What you can wear, like, where you can go, , what you can do. It's just very different because then you really get to see, , how your parents operate just on their own, versus how they're operating while they're taking care of you, . So, yeah, that was really interesting.

And then, after Malaysia, I think we spent, like, four or five days there. And then we Went to India, met up with my dad there, we did tons of wedding shopping, got all my outfits and all my stuff for the wedding, got all of Lendl's stuff for the wedding. Got all my jewelry, everything like that, so really exciting stuff, but of course, very tiring.

And the one question I kept getting [00:09:00] when I came back was, Oh wow, you traveled with your parents for that amount of time and you didn't want to kill them? And yeah, I traveled. With my mom and my dad, I spent a good week with both of my parents in a foreign country. So, first of all, there's no, like, escaping or, like, getting your own space.

We're all in one hotel room. Because it's different when, I go to their place and I start feeling triggered, and then I'm like, okay, it's time to leave, and then I'm gone, and then it's,, when you're traveling together, there's no like, okay, I can leave.

Especially when you're in a place like India. So, we were both, we were all in Chennai, which if you don't know, Chennai is in the south, it was also Diwali time. In a normal situation, I guess it would be fine for me to like walk around and do stuff But it was very busy like the streets were very [00:10:00] crowded So I didn't even feel comfortable venturing out on my own and doing my own thing because it was just so packed with people and apparently pickpocketing is Rampant there and just like theft and stuff.

So I just stayed in the room When we weren't shopping and stuff like that. There wasn't much exploring that I did on my own but my point is there was no if I was feeling overwhelmed or if if if there was a feeling of overwhelm or Like getting triggered or something like that I wouldn't have been able to escape, I would have just had to deal with it.

 Super eye opening. It kinda like, reinforced the fact that All this therapy that I've been doing for the past few years has actually worked and taught me some things. So I'm going to share some things with y'all. So to give you a little background on my family dynamic and all of that stuff, because I think I [00:11:00] touched on it on episode three.

The real intro. If you haven't listened to that episode, it's basically my whole life story of like why I am the way that I am. It's a good episode to listen to before you dive into the rest of the podcast if you're new. So, My Family Dynamic is very much like traditional South Asian household.

My dad was the main breadwinner. My mom did work up until my brother was diagnosed to be on the autism spectrum. And then she quit her job and she was full time, she was a full time stay at home mom. She did like some babysitting and stuff to help supplement income. But, she was basically a stay at home mom because my brother really needed.

Extra support at home and going to appointments and doctors and therapists and all that stuff. So There was definitely a lot of tension in the home. It was never, like, violent [00:12:00] It was never like that, but it was definitely not, like, I really had to learn, like, what caring, , And this is the thing, right?

Like, talking about our parents and how they raised us because they did so much for us and we want to be grateful and we want to, , acknowledge that we are super privileged to have the life that they made for us but at the same time it's important to be honest about how their parenting affected you and how, certain things were not okay Um, there was, the way my parents communicated was not very healthy, let's say that.

 They would constantly fight and raise their voices at each other they didn't really have like, complementary communication styles, I think they were always coming from a place of, or they would always come from a place of like It just felt like my whole life they weren't really hearing each other or understanding each other or there wasn't [00:13:00] much like empathy or Grace given to each other on on both ends.

 And as I got older, I kind of took on that mediator role between my mom and my dad. Like, I felt like it was my job to fix Their communication styles.

I felt like it was my job to get in the middle and try to Make each party see the other party's side and just be more understanding and more loving and I remember my parents used to always say Don't worry like we fight. That's how we show that's how we love each other and looking back. I'm like, that's pretty not Nice.

Like, for a laggard but a wirt, that's pretty fucked up. Sure, yeah, like, every good relationship you need to be able to fight, but not in a toxic way, not in like a hurtful way where you're not understanding each other and you're not listening to each [00:14:00] other and you're like, if you're like constantly blaming each other or just projecting all your other.

Yeah. Unhappiness onto the other person like that's really toxic, right? So it's understandable because my dad was going through a lot like you have one child then you have another child that You realize it's gonna have a lot of issues in this world because this world is not Made for anyone other than someone who is normal quote unquote You're gonna have issues. So The fact that he was working so hard to create this life for us and then my brother got his diagnosis. That really like changed our family dynamic and it made him, I think, a little bit bitter.

And that bitterness like bled out into everything else. So like he was very quick to like snap at people or , have really unrealistic [00:15:00] expectations of the people around him because it's, it's understandable. Like, you're working so hard to build this life for the people around you, and then if one little thing goes wrong, it's like, Mwah!

Like, why is this not going right? And then you have this Like, my dad used to have, like, he's gotten a lot better now, but I feel like my dad used to have this very, like, victim mentality of, like, well, nothing right, it goes, nothing goes right for me, something bad always happens to us, like, it's always us, and, , , that kind of thinking can really happen.

Affect the way you look at the world, affect how the people around you look at the world, and also just affect the energy that you put out there and then comes back to you, right? All this to say I really, from a very young age, took on the mediator role and I felt like it was always my responsibility to mend things between my parents like I love my parents They did I wouldn't have anything [00:16:00] that I have now without them.

But I really had to work on my understanding of what healthy relationships are and healthy communication styles are and I really had to Learn that their relationship is not my burden. It is not my problem. And I really, really learned this in therapy. , I would talk to my therapist about this.

And at one point she just said, You have to remember that you are the child. Like, you are the child. But it is really eye opening to just be like, you know what? This is not my, my actions are not changing anything. So why am I getting in the middle of this? People don't, and this is so true for anybody, nobody changes unless they want to change. Nobody will make a change in their lives unless they really want to.

I mean, you can tell people like, hey, this is the [00:17:00] behavior I'm observing, but if they're not ready to receive that information, if they're not able to see how their behavior affects everybody else, or even affects themselves, Then there's really no point, is there? So, yeah. I just,

like, that small moment, , those few words that my therapist said to me, where she was like, you are the child, I was like, ugh, you're right. I'm the child. , I'm the child. Why do I need to, I shouldn't have to be the third person in the relationship, ? , this is between you two.

And you two need to sort this out. That's not my job. I made it my job. For so much of my life. And I feel like that's why I'm always, like, really averse to conflict around me. I don't like fighting with people. I always try to, um, approach things from a very calm setting. Like, I never just, like, Okay, well, that's not really true.

Well, with my friends and, like, with [00:18:00] work and stuff like that, I really always try to just come from a place of calm, using I statements, like, Hey, your behavior made me feel this way, like, I feel that this was not the right way to, right way to behave. Like, that's how I talk to people. Now, it's funny because when you grow up, Around like a lot of like conflict and chaos and stuff like that.

It does kind of seep into you. So there was one time where There's been a few times actually me and Len we will be Just doing stuff like living life and then he'll like say something and I will like just explode , I'll be like, MRAH MRAH MRAH MRAH MRAH And he'll be like, Why are you yelling? And I'm like, Oh my gosh.

I didn't even realize that I'm yelling. And I remember as a kid, like, talking to my dad and being like, Why are you yelling? And he was like, I'm not. And I'm like, Yeah, you are. [00:19:00] And that was just such an epiphany moment for me because I, I truly did not realize that I was yelling, and I'm sure my dad didn't realize he was yelling either, that was just how he had been for so long, so he didn't even realize how his behavior was coming across or being perceived, so I've been really trying to work on, specifically in my partner, like with me and Len, because that's where it comes out the most I've been really trying to work on, you know, taking a breath, , before directly going into, like, blaming or, like, Why'd you, like, did you break this?

Like, that's, like, totally my dad's thing. Like, if something broke, it's, like, who broke it? Who, who's to blame? Instead of being, like, Oh, this thing broke. Let's, let's fix it. Let's deal with it. Because it's broken now. We can't, we can't undo that. So let's just focus on the solution. So I have a habit of being very quick to, like, blame.

When it comes to [00:20:00] my relationship and sometimes that I think the difference between me and my dad is I will immediately being like, I'm so sorry. I did not mean to do that. Whereas like my dad will be like, no, I didn't, I didn't do that. Like, just go, like, just denial. So anyways, long winded, but I hadn't spent a significant amount of time with just me and my parents for a very long time.

Like, I guess since my brother was born. So on the flight from Malaysia to India, I was feeling a lot of anxiety I was very very nervous to Spend like six plus days with my mom and my dad because I didn't know how it was gonna be I didn't know, , if they were going to start fighting or not, like, their communication style is just so triggering for me. I just can't deal with it. So I was really, really nervous before getting to India, and then they really, it was a combination of they surprised me, but [00:21:00] I also surprised myself, because it wasn't like they had completely changed their behavior.

It was more that I was able to let some of their behavior just slide. And I was able to just, like, consciously make the decision to be like, this has nothing to do with me, I'm just gonna continue on doing my own thing. And I just had, like, a kind of aha moment I was recently on, I was just scrolling through Instagram and I saw this post where it was like, have you really healed or Are you just, have you just cut off all aspects of your triggers?

 Listening, you might think, well, yeah, I do want to cut off all my triggers, that's the point. But at the same time, it's not really possible for a lot of people to cut off all their triggers. It's not really possible for them to cut all that stuff out and, , be truly healed.

Because are you actually truly healed, or have you Just learn to ignore your triggers and, and keep them at bay. , that's not really dealing with the issue, [00:22:00] right? So, I think this trip with my mom and dad was really like, Oh, I have, I have healed a lot. Because they did still argue. They still, like, had little fights here and there.

But I literally had no emotional Attachment to them, , I had no desire to jump into their fights. I had no desire to Explain what the other side was meaning I just stayed out of it And I think the most I said was like, let's all relax Like that's all I did at one particular moment, but the rest of the time I was just doing my own thing and it was really nice because I was able to just do my own thing, but still be around them, which was really nice.

Because usually my parents are very much like, okay, we're going to fight and yell and scream. And then like two minutes later, they're fine. And they're just like talking to each other normally. [00:23:00] So, that, that's like not. ideal situation for me, but it works for them. They've been married for over 30 years.

So clearly something is going right They both depend on each other. They both love each other. They both take care of each other It's just what they know and it works for them. So who am I to Try to get in the middle of it now, you know, it's clearly something's been working. So, this trip I think So me and my dad have had like a very up and down kind of relationship But this trip really just made me appreciate him so much more and kind of appreciate his short views a little bit because I really got to see my mom and like who she is like she was able to just be herself and I realized that my mom is like The extreme of extremes, putterers, like, she is like a putterer, she, she like, overthinks everything and I, I'm an overthinker, but she's like, next level, she just like, fiddles [00:24:00] around and like, cleans up things that don't, doesn't need to be cleaned and she's not very efficient in like, how she, like, I feel like me and my dad are very like, systematic, like, okay, We gotta do this, this, and this, and like, this is the most efficient way to do it.

Let's go. My mom is like, oh, la la la, like, let me do this thing. Okay, let me do this thing now. Like, it's very, she's very like, all over the place, Perfect example, we're in the airport, and I'm like, okay, what, where do we need to go, what terminal, and she's like, oh, terminal, let's just say, like, terminal four or whatever.

We're in Singapore airport, which, by the way, is stunning, gorgeous, love it, I need to go back to Singapore. So I look for the signs for Terminal 4 and I start walking. Look behind me, my mom is like way down, like still like looking at her papers and then like looking around and I'm like, mom. Terminal 4, this way, let's go, chop chop. And [00:25:00] she's like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, she's very like, okay, I need to like, see everything.

, and she's very bad with directions. Extremely bad with directions. Whereas me and my dad are very good with directions. So , I feel like every new space that she's in, she's like completely disoriented, so she just has to get her bearings, and that takes time, and then she just putters around, and by that time, like, me and my dad are like, let's move!

Let's go! Chop chop! You know? So, And like, I love my mom so much, but if I was married to her, I would probably have a short fuse too, because sometimes I'm just like, let's like, move it woman. Let's go, you know? So I kind of like had a new appreciation for my dad and just how much Patience he has with my mom and vice versa like my mom has a lot of patience to deal with my dad too and I kind of like Understood more like their love for [00:26:00] each other while I was with them because yes, they did fight.

But, the way in which they care for each other and love each other, I was like, okay, , this makes sense, you know? sO by the end of this trip I guess there were a few takeaways that I'm gonna just Run through let's do a little listicle.

Okay, number one was Everyone needs a vacation Whether you're doing a staycation or whether you're actually leaving the country and going somewhere else 

I think it's really important to take time for yourself and to just give yourself the opportunity to, like, not think about anything. Not think about food, not think about work, like, because I had the best sleeps of my life. I had, , the best bowel movements, even though I'm in another country, and usually, , that backs me right up.

My stress was, like, so much lower, I felt like I was just, [00:27:00] like, less inflamed in general, and I think that's just because, , I didn't have to worry about a million things going on, I didn't have that, like, mental load. Of, okay, I gotta do this. I gotta pack this. I gotta prep this for work. I gotta, , answer these emails.

I gotta respond to these people. , I was just away, and all I was focusing on was relaxing. And buying things for the wedding. So, that's one thing I learned. Just vacations are so important. Just taking time for yourself is so important. Everyone needs them, no matter what, just, like, take time for yourself, because those times are when, like, inspiration hits, and, , you get, like, some of your, some of the things that you don't necessarily have time for, like, kind of come to the surface.

The second thing I learned while being away was that I have grown so much in terms of my mental [00:28:00] health and when it comes to my relationship with my parents specifically. Like I said, I used to be the mediator, I used to be I was the therapist at home basically. Like, I was the one that's like, This is toxic behavior, guys.

This is not right. Like, we need to do this. And, like, constantly talking about, , this is the best way to communicate, not this. Like, you are projecting. , I was constantly , , therapizing , my parents. And I realized, you know, the phrase, not my circus, not my monkeys, not my problem. It is so hard to not take on.

The well being of our parents when it comes to just trying to teach them the things that we've learned in our lives because We've just had more opportunity to focus on ourselves. Whereas I think our parents were just more focused on, hustling and providing for their family I never thought I would just be able to, , be in a room with both of my parents while fighting and, like, not be triggered and not be, [00:29:00] like, crying and in tears and wanting to leave.

, they were fighting around me, arguing around me, and I was totally fine. I was, it was just like, yeah, it is what it is. thIs is how they communicate. And I can't change it. And me putting extra effort into trying to change it is just wearing my mental health down. Nobody else's, you know? Like, I remember while I was still traveling, , I did this Instagram story, and I was like, I traveled with both of my parents, not a single, , little meltdown or fight between me and my parents. Like, they definitely fought and, like, had their little things, but, , I was totally mentally Strong, and secure, and didn't feel the need to insert myself into places I did not need to be.

 I got so many messages from people being like, wow, like, that's amazing that you were able to travel with both your parents. I would never be able to do that. But I think it is possible.

It's just definitely a [00:30:00] mindset shift and it didn't happen for me right away. It definitely happened, like, over years. And I think small exposure is also good, like, you can't just cut off the things that make you feel uncomfortable. I mean, at the beginning, it's probably best if you do, to like, give yourself time to heal and stuff, but when you feel stronger, I encourage you to If it's safe for you and, you know, your therapist supports to expose yourself to those, like, little, little things that used to bother you and see if they still bother you.

And if they don't, that, I think that shows growth, don't you?

Number three was, oh, this is one thing I learned, is that I'm a princess, I'm a privileged princess, you know, I used to think I can, like, rough it, I can, I can hold my own in another country, no, I can't. I can't. At all. I have learned that it doesn't matter what kind of, like, room I'm in, I don't have to have, like, [00:31:00] lavish luxury rooms and, like, suites and stuff like that, but I need a nice bathroom. Wherever I am. I'm someone that pees like 20 times a day. I already have anxiety about pooping. So I need a nice bathroom where I feel safe, where I feel comfortable to poop. Malaysia was fine. India, not so much. I just realized that in India I need to like Live a five star life or not be or I can't go at all I need I just need certain luxuries but yeah, I I don't really know what this episode is going to be to be honest because I've just been blabbering away 

Anyways I hope you enjoyed this episode. I don't know what it's gonna be because I was just yabbering for the whole time, and I don't know if there's really gonna be a flow, but we'll see when we edit this, 

thank you for listening. And I would love to hear, what are some things you've learned while you're on vacation? Can you relate to, like, my parents [00:32:00] story? Because I did get so many messages from people being like, oh my god, I also felt like I'm, I'm the mediator between my parents. I also feel like I, I'm the one that has to like, teach them things or parent them.

So like, what is that like for you? Can you relate to that? Cause I sure can, clearly. But yeah I hope you have a great week ahead. And until next time, be well, be loved, see you later.