|21| Freshly Squeezed Honesty With Renée Virdee

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Today’s guest is the lovely Renee Virdee.  Renee is a certified personal trainer, a wellness lover and an amazing mama of one.  She is strong, she is confident and she’s very open & vulnerable about her struggles as a woman, a mom and as a general human being. What I LOVE about this episode is that Renee is just really honest about where she's at with herself. She's a work in progress and I loved that she continued to reiterate that the healing journey never ends. There is always work to be done and there will always be ebbs and flows.

If you want to see more of Renee follow her on IG here.

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Transcript

Freshly Squeezed Honesty With Renee Virdee

Renee: [00:00:00] I went through severe postpartum depression. Especially when it came to body dysmorphia. , I felt so horrible, like I hated looking at myself.

In all honesty, having the, like the, the lines and the ab lines and super small is not like, it doesn't necessarily mean you're at your happiest with yourself.

I don't know if I figured out my balance yet. I don't know what grounds me yet.

Angie: HEllo and welcome back to the Honey Lemon Podcast. My name is Angie and I'm your host. Diving into those sweet and sour experiences that make us who we are. Today's guest is the lovely Renee Verde. Renee is a certified personal trainer, a wellness lover, and an amazing mama of one. She is strong, she is confident, and she's been very open and vulnerable about her struggles as a woman, as a mom, as a general human being.

In the last year, I've seen her open up so much and slowly share bits and pieces of her story, and I thought she would just [00:01:00] be Perfect. This is the perfect place for her to just dive deep with us. Welcoming Renee to the Honey Lemon Podcast. 

Renee: Hi. Thank you for having me. 

Angie: . We were just talking about this prior to me hitting record, but. So you and I are connected through your sister. Which I'm going to have Sabrina on at some point as well. I already asked her and I was like Renee's doing it. So if you're comfortable and she's like, Oh my God, I would love to.

And I was like, Oh, okay, good. Renee and I were working together with her sister who is a holistic coach and personal trainer as well. Both of you are in the fitness industry. And I'd been following her for a while and I just wanted to like get myself right and I think you were in the same boat and then we would have like weekly calls and then we followed each other on Instagram and then I saw you did this like very very vulnerable post on Instagram and it just clicked in my head and I was like she would be really good on the podcast I think but I can't ask her [00:02:00] yet because I'm I don't actually know her that well. And then you messaged me and you were like, Hey, if you need any guests on the podcast, I would love to be a guest. I was like, Oh my God, I was totally going to ask you, but I didn't want to be creepy. 

Renee: No, not creepy at all. So I'm, I'm just happy it worked out. I'm really excited to be here, so thank you again.

Angie: Of course, and this is finally happening. How I like to start every episode a little bit of an icebreaker, and I think you and I are on the same level in terms of how deep we go into this particular subject, so every guest I get them to sign in, so you're signing in with your sun, moon, rising, setting.

If you know it, your astrology sign, tell us what you are, Rene. 

Renee: You know what? That's so funny. I actually don't know. I don't know. I did at one point and then I forgot it. I am a Pisces and I am so true to being a Pisces, like the most emotional person there is doing this, [00:03:00] very sensitive. 

Angie: If you send me your birth time, I will do your whole chart for you. Sounds great. 

At some point I want to do like what my guests chart is and put it on a map because I feel like there's a lot of recurring ones that keep coming on for some reason and I guess it's just Law of attraction, but anyways, so yeah, you're super sensitive like a 

Renee: Pisces. I feel, honestly, I feel my, my most calm, my most like truest self when I'm by the water, like being by the water is just, I don't know, it just, it grounds me.

So yeah, definitely a true Pisces, definitely a true Pisces. Super emotional, like I said, sensitive and I'm a big dreamer. That's 

Angie: good. Dreaming is good. What are your partner's sign and what's your daughter's 

Renee: sign? My partner is also Pisces. Oh my god. He is actually three years and five days older than me.

Okay. [00:04:00] He is the 27th of February and He is probably like, we're very similar when it comes to emotions and when it comes to like being sensitive and all of that fun stuff. But we're also so different. Like I'm an extrovert and he's an introvert. So I feel like we balance each other out in that sense.

But yeah, it's, it's funny because we're both Pisces and we're both equally. Emotional and dramatic. 

Angie: But it sounds like you balance 

Renee: each other out. We definitely do. We definitely do. But I think having two sensitive and emotional people in a moment of like chaos is not always He's the greatest.

But you know what I, one thing that I love about him is the fact that he's so calm and patient and he can actually, like he's, he's very solution based. I'm not. Nice. Able to, able to kind of, what's the word I'm looking [00:05:00] for? He's able to. Like problem solve. Yeah. Like manage the situation a little bit better.

So yeah. Shout out to him. My daughter, on the other hand, she is a cancer. So 

Angie: another one of all of the emotions in one household, 

Renee: literally, very dramatic. She takes after me. Attitude is all me behavior, definitely him. And yeah, so all of us are just super emotional and sensitive. That's, that's a great time.

It's a great time. Okay. 

Angie: You know, it makes life fun, right? 

Renee: I mean, yeah, she has me on my toes. I think we're all on each other's toes, you know? Like we're always 

Angie: on our toes. So yeah, it's exciting. That's fun. I love that. It's nice when you have a bunch of emotional people because then you're all so in tune with each other or you get to be at least.

Renee: I agree. I agree. Yeah, it's we are definitely all in tune with each other. And [00:06:00] our energies are just so strong when one's in a mood.

I swear the entire house is in a mood. So, yeah, energy 

Angie: is quite strong. Yeah. Well, with that, we're gonna get into our first segment, which is when life gives you lemons. So, these are the sour experiences, those like character building experiences. Yeah. We're gonna touch on whatever you feel comfortable with and usually the first kind of question I like to ask is What was your family dynamic growing up and what was your relationship with your parents like?

Renee: My family dynamic was a little complicated. I'm sure everyone has a very complicated upbringing, especially as people of color. I, so my parents They were together until I was about, I think, nine. My mom was always working. My mom was my mom is a professor at Seneca. And so she used to work a lot of late nights.[00:07:00] 

And then my dad was an optician. He owned a store. So he was always working also. My sister and I are 10 and a half years apart. So we didn't. Really have a very strong relationship. It was more of like she was my second mother. So I felt like an only child growing up. The dynamic was very strange.

My parents were always working. I was always by myself. And then my sister moved out of the house when she was 18. And then it was just me. And then my parents separated when I was eight or nine. And that was a very messy situation. So that took a lot of time. Definitely put a damper on my relationship with my dad, a relationship with my mom, even we had a lot of struggles just in that sense.

And yeah, my relationship with my mom was always good because I was the baby, we always had a very strong relationship. She was very much like the cool mom growing up. [00:08:00] Yeah. So everyone would be like, Oh my God, your mom's going to let you have a sleepover. I was like, yeah, in high school I was the one that had all the parties.

At my house. Wow. I know, like it was, it was like that kind of 

Angie: vibe with her. You're living every brown girl's dream. 

Renee: Literally, literally, like all the brown girls are just like, I don't know how your mom is so chill. So I was quite fortunate. I did take advantage quite a bit. I mean, what kid doesn't? My relationship with my dad was quite rocky because he remarried and I lost touch with him for.

a very long time. We didn't actually start rebuilding a relationship until I was about 1920. And then my sister, I think, we actually became a lot closer. About six, seven years ago just because I think the age is like, we, we just got closer in age. And a lot of my friends and people that I hang out with are around her age, now.

So it just, yeah, I think that's, that's why the, just the [00:09:00] maturity level and where we were at in our lives, for sure. So you 

Angie: were like nine years old, your parents separated. I know a lot of kids with parents who are divorced or separated, like they kind of blame themselves a little bit or they take that on.

Was that something that you experienced or? 

Renee: No, I, I didn't actually take it on. To be honest with you, I think that because it was such a traumatic time in my life during the entire experience, because my mom and I had, we had moved in and out of the house several times, like back and forth. And. Just because my mom was trying to get away from my dad and then she couldn't make a decision and all of that stuff.

So I, I, because I knew what the situation was with my parents, it was a very toxic relationship. Okay. And I, because I witnessed a lot of the things, I never blamed myself. I found it hard to deal with. And I think, excuse me, what we generally do is when we [00:10:00] go through traumatic experiences as kids, we tend to block out a lot of parts that have happened and we don't really remember.

And so I, I feel like I, I don't actually remember how I felt. Does that make sense? 

Angie: Yeah. Like your mind and your body is kind of protecting you because it's like, this is too painful to experience. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Makes sense. Do you think that trauma, like, manifested in other ways? 

Renee: Definitely. I think there was a lot of like, abandonment issues that I've felt, and they lead up until now.

There's, like, I have a lot of, like, a, like, for example, With my partner Jamal and I I had a very serious, I would even say now to like a very strong codependency relationship with him. That codependency was, is, it still is quite strong.

So there's, yeah, there's that. But there's, just feeling like alone, very alone. So. I think those are the [00:11:00] two major ones that still affect me now till this day. 

Angie: How would you describe what it was like being Renee when you were a child and then how did that evolve when you grew up? What did you think about yourself?

Renee: I didn't actually know I like, I can't now when I sit and analyze it, I don't think I actually really knew myself because I grew up in Richmond Hill and Richmond Hill is predominantly white Chinese. And there was, there's very little people of color. So for me, I always wanted to fit in with. What other people looked like.

And so I was, I would kind of chase the fact that like, oh, my friend Melissa wanted to play soccer. I wanted to play soccer because Melissa wanted to play soccer. I don't feel like I had a true identity and I felt like I was too white for the Brown people and too, Brown for the white people. Like I never felt like I fit in anywhere.

 In high [00:12:00] school, there was a lot more people of color. That I could actually kind of Resonate with. Yeah, I feel more comfortable to be myself around.

So I feel like that's when I actually started to get to know myself a little bit more. And be a little bit more comfortable with my skin color. 

Angie: Right? I can relate to that because I also well I grew up in between. Like Scarborough and Markham, we moved back and forth quite a bit, but where I lived in Scarborough was more of a newer, new slash old area, so there weren't that many people of color like I was.

I was one of three brown girls in my entire year and I was like, I felt like I was the odd duck brown girl, like all the other ones were like hairless and pretty. And I was just like, I felt like I was an ogre. I just didn't feel confident at all. And then, yeah, you like look around you and you're like, Oh, well why, why don't [00:13:00] my eyebrows look like that?

Yeah. I like, I don't even fit in at home, like, I can't speak the language, but I can't fit in with these people, you're kind of a mixture between the two, and it's a really odd experience to be in, because you're not quite accepted on either side. Or that at least that's how it feels, and then Feels, yeah.

When you find the people that kind of understand you and accept you, it's like, oh, okay, this is Nice. 

Renee: Feels good. Feels good to hear. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. I definitely resonate with that. Even like when it comes to food and just culture in general, like I never felt like I could ever fully express myself.

Like coming to school and having like a hot lunch of Indian food was just something I. Dread, like I could not, like, I would make sure that my mom would never send that type of stuff with me, . So she continuously made the same tuna sandwich every single day,

Angie: my mom was good. She would like ask. I was [00:14:00] so spoiled. I feel like now that I look back, I really appreciate. Because a lot of kids had to make their own lunches to, like, fend for themselves, but my mom would be like, what do you want for lunch tomorrow?

And I'd be like, I want hot dogs, or I want this. It was always some sort of sandwich or something. I don't know. But yeah, it's like the identity thing is a big one. How do you think that affects you now? Like what's your identity with your culture and yourself now?

Renee: That's a good question. I think now in my adult age, like, I feel a lot more comfortable, in telling people that I'm Indian, before it was like, I'm Indian. You know what I mean? And so now it's more like I'm Indian and like I, I do. Like, I feel like my culture is so beautiful. Like, there's so many beautiful things about it.

And like, people always tend to see, like, the negative aspects of cultures. So now I feel a lot more comfortable. Especially [00:15:00] with my daughter because my partner is half Jamaican half Trinidadian. And so Having my daughter with a darker skin complexion.

I wanted it was so important for me to have her in a community with people of color. So that was like something that I really wanted because I wanted her to like, look around and see people that look just like her. Because I've never had that. So I'm a lot more comfortable with With speaking to these things now, because I understand it a lot more.

Angie: How are you, if you are incorporating, both sides, your partner side and your side of the culture with your daughter? 

Renee: So for, for his side, I believe, well, I think both sides, actually, I believe it's mainly the grandparents that are influencing the culture the most because like, I won't sit there and just like, listen to Indian music all day.

I also don't make Indian food. Jamal, on the other hand, he does [00:16:00] make like Jamaican food. So she gets that, like that kind of stuff from him. He'll play like reggae music or like, kind of like that kind of thing with her. For me, it's, it's more my mom. And then for him, it's like his mom and his dad, like it's, it's the influence of our families that is showing her the culture.

Also at her. School daycare. A lot of the teachers are actually Indian and sometimes. Yeah. And sometimes they'll speak to her in the language. So I really like I tell them that they can do that so that she can. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. So I feel comfortable. With that, and just trying to expose her to more of 

that.

Angie: That's nice. And I think that's a really authentic way to do it, right? Because, like you just said, you're not one to blast Indian music in your house, or cook Indian food, or if you don't feel confident in, , the history or anything like that, it's not really authentic for you to then pass on that stuff.

But [00:17:00] it's definitely authentic for your mom, and your partner's mom to relay that information. So I think that's a really good way to do it, like not taking it so seriously, but just letting it seep into her life naturally. Exactly. Through the things she's experiencing. You've spoken a little bit about dealing with depression, anxiety.

Which ultimately led to an unspoken eating disorder. Can you talk a little bit, however feels safe for you, about that time in your life and how it's kind of progressed to now? Because you work in the fitness industry. Right. 

So it's like, interesting. I feel like it's a common thing though. I've seen a lot of people who have struggled with eating disorders then kind of take it back, like take their bodies back, and it's like, no, I'm gonna. I'm going to focus on strength now, and I'm going to rebuild myself and still stay within the realm of fitness, but in a healthier way. 

Renee: [00:18:00] Exactly. Yeah. Within me going through that experience, I was introduced to fitness. But I'll go back to that. So I was in a real, I was in a relationship, , like I was young, I was 16.

He was four years older than me. We dated for four years and that was a very trauma bonding relationship. He. was, it was a very difficult and toxic relationship to say the least. And when he and I split up, I kind of like, I fell off completely. I did not know who I was. I didn't know what to do with myself.

I was, I was 20. And I started to kind of dibble and dabble into things, started drinking a lot, smoking a lot more weed, trying different drugs, and it just became my norm to start doing those kind of things. And I really neglected my body. I needed to feel numb in order to kind of [00:19:00] cope with how I was feeling because I actually didn't even know how to describe how I was feeling.

I felt very lost and I just, I didn't want to, like, I didn't care to eat. I actually didn't even realize that I was in the midst of that because people would be like, Oh my God, you're so skinny. Which I was like, Probably about 80 pounds at the time. And people were like, you need to eat a burger. I remember one time I was working at garage at the time and a woman walked in and she looked at me, she goes, aren't you hungry?

The audacity, actually I 

am, but like, it's, it's the things like that. It's the comments like that, that I would get. And I just couldn't understand because I didn't see it the way other people saw it. Now when I look back at the pictures and I'm like, holy shit, like I was a stick, like I was very small.

I look. I look very unhealthy. But you could see that there was obviously something wrong. So that I, I didn't know how, I didn't know [00:20:00] that I was in that until later on. And then I had stopped kind of doing the things that I had been doing. And my sister introduced me to fitness at that time. And. I had kind of been in and out of the gym with her for a few years before that, but she got me more into it.

She put me on a meal plan. She kind of helped guide me into wellness and that's when everything kind of fell into place, I think. And it became a really big part of my 

life. 

Angie: Is that when you guys became maybe closer? Or are you 

Renee: I don't know. I don't think that's when we became closer. We became a lot closer when I moved out of my house.

So I was about 22. And that's when we became quite close. And I think my maturity level was a little bit different. [00:21:00] I saw things a little bit differently. I then became pregnant quite soon after that. So I really leaned on her for support. And that's how I feel like we became quite close.

Still when I was going through all of those things and, kind of learning from her, I was still her little sister. Yeah. I was still her daughter, quote unquote, she'll probably be the one to say it because she always says it. I was her first I remember she was in high school and she would like take me around everywhere with her and people be like, Oh my God, you and your daughter look so similar. So I'll never forget that. But yeah, it was very much a mother daughter relationship.

That I had with her. 

Angie: What do you think the root of your disordered eating was? Cause it was, were you purposely , like your relationship with food was? Toxic or was it I just have so much going on. I just don't even want to eat. [00:22:00] 

Renee: Yeah, it was I just have so much going on and I just I don't want to eat like I don't care to eat when I feel like eating I'll eat.

And I just never really ate and if I did eat it was. It was because it was just around and I would just kind of nibble like I didn't really, I didn't care to eat. I never thought it was like a necessity because I just, I was not in the right mind frame, you know, stress really took over. And I didn't even like, I have to emphasize, like, I didn't even realize that I was going through that in the midst of all of it.

Angie: When did you realize it? , when did you, when were you like, Oh crap. I need to get my shit together. 

Renee: I, this is, I, I feel, okay, so I was dating somebody else and that was also another trauma bonding relationship. And I had found out that he had cheated on me, and I was [00:23:00] like, I can't do this anymore.

Like, it's time for me to, like, really get my shit together. I want to start focusing more on work, like, I want, I want to be better for myself. And that's when things took a turn. That's when things took a turn for me. That's when I was like, I hate the way my life is going. I want to change it. So, 

Angie: and how old were you around that time?

Renee: I was about 21. That's still really young, still really young. But I was like ready. I think I was ready to like just kind of move on from everything that I had been doing. So, cause it was a good, I'd say two and a half, maybe three years, maybe two and a half years of me just constantly not taking care of myself.

And just seeing a huge downfall. My, even my relationship with my mom started to deteriorate a lot, with the things that I was doing. So, 

Angie: [00:24:00] what were the, steps that you took to kind of make changes? Because I feel like I've had, similar experience where I felt like I, I realized I was going down, like not a great path.

I wasn't happy with myself. And then I had to really make changes, but then it's kind of difficult to say goodbye to your past, current self, and then move into this, , new person, , there's a lot of transitions that happen in that. So, what were the kind of steps that you took, , Did you make new friends?

Did you, like, go into a hi a hiding period where you, like, hibernated and just worked on yourself? Like, what were the steps that you took? 

Renee: I definitely stopped talking to a lot of the people. Most I would say actually all the people that I was hanging out with before, that was quite easy because I didn't really have a strong relationship with a lot of them anyways.

So it was really easy to kind of move away from that. I just continued to work. I stayed focused. [00:25:00] I just continued to work. I made scheduled time to go to the gym. I started preparing my food instead of. Buying food outside, and building new relationships with people that were kind of like, like minded to me.

And that's when I met also Jamal, my partner now, and, he really helped me kind of see things clearly to and pushed me. To like my full capacity as my friend at the time and yeah, that's how it also became a relationship. We just saw very similar things. What's the word? You had 

like the same outlook on life. Yeah. Yes. 

The same outlook on life. We liked a lot of the same things and I just found him really interesting.

Like he was just different and it was just really refreshing to meet somebody that was not so immature [00:26:00] and Was actually goal driven and was a dreamer just like me. So I think that's one thing we really bonded off of was dreaming together. 

And you dreamt, dreamt and you dreamt and then you had a baby.

Yeah. So I moved in with him fairly quick into our relationship. Together for about three or four months. And then I moved in with him. That was a challenge in itself because I went from my big four bedroom house to a small two bedroom apartment with his mom. And yeah, it was, it was, it was quite an adjustment.

And then we, we lived together for a year. We went on vacation to Mexico for our little one year anniversary. And then. I miss my period, and I never miss my period, and I just, I was like, I know I'm pregnant. Like, I'm pregnant. Oh 

my god. On vacation. So. 

Angie: How old were you [00:27:00] at that time? I was 23. So what did that feel, okay, so, did that feel like excitement?

Like, oh my gosh, I'm pregnant? It's like, oh, okay. 

Renee: I was like, oh fuck. Like, what are we gonna do now? And we both, it was. 

It was, it was shocking for both of us and it was something we definitely thought about. So I feel so speechless in this moment. Yeah, definitely something we both thought about a lot.

At first it wasn't like the most exciting news, but it became obviously exciting after that. So. 

I, I think that when I found out I was pregnant, I was like, I can do this.

I'm ready. And I don't feel like anyone actually is ready because they have no idea what to expect. I, I definitely felt like I was putting in a lot of work for myself and I was, you know, I was in the gym. I was, I was [00:28:00] working like I was making good money. I was like, I was living my best life with my boyfriend, you know, like I was just, it was chilling.

And then all of a sudden I get pregnant and I was like, I can do this. I know I'm ready. I can do it. I just, I know it's going to, things might take a little bit longer than I'd like them to with having a child, but I'm still ready for the challenge. 

Angie: What changes did you see in yourself after you realize, okay, it's not just about me and my partner anymore. There's this whole other human. 

Renee: I don't think that's sunk in yet. Okay. I don't think that actually sunk in until I had her. Like, I think the idea was there and it was like, okay, I'm gonna, there's gonna be somebody else.

And I think that's with everyone. But once they're actually here, I think that's when things change for real. 

Angie: So what was the change you noticed when they handed you your daughter? When 

Renee: I first saw her, I was like, she looks really gross. Everyone, like, I thought I was going to be the one to [00:29:00] cry because that's just how I, how I am.

Yeah. at her. But because I had been in labor for 24 hours, I was exhausted. I had honestly had a very traumatic birthing experience. I had three epidurals and none of them worked. Yeah, no, it was rough. It was rough. I was vomiting, crying, had an anxiety attack. The doctor's like, if she doesn't calm down right now, like we're going to have to do an emergency cesarean.

And I was like, Hey, like got to do this. So. Yeah, when they first handed me to her, I was so exhausted and because she had been sitting in my birth canal for so long, her head was Like this, like, long sighted thing and I was like, this is gross. Why does she look like this? I was very shocked, like, very like, what the fuck just happened?

You know, holding this, this, this thing. And. As they put her into the incubator and like cleaned her, like cleaned her off, wiped her off or whatever. And they put her in the [00:30:00] incubator. I looked at her and I was like, Oh my God, like, that's mine. That's, that's my little thing over there. And that's when I think it, it set in.

And I, I think I fell asleep at that point too. 

You're just like, okay, I'm done now. Goodbye. Yeah. Things. 

Things did not become for real until we brought her home. I was in the hospital for two days after that, and then when we brought her home, and she started waking up every few hours, I was like, oh my god, like, this is, this is really it, like, this is my life.

And I wouldn't say things like took a turn, but I definitely no, that's a lie. Things definitely took a turn and I feel like I lost myself in that moment because I didn't know who I was anymore. I didn't know that I was Renee. I thought I was just mom. I was just supposed to breastfeed, put her to sleep, sleep beside [00:31:00] her, cook and clean whenever I could.

And that was it. So, I think as. As time progressed, that's when I feel like things kind of fell into place and things became a little bit more normal. 

Angie: But 23 is pretty young, like in our day, pretty young to have a kid. 

Renee: Yes. No one around me at my, like, we, like, Jamal's friends, a lot of his friends were having kids.

Okay. I wasn't friends like that with them. So none of my friends were really having children. So it was kind of hard. But now that I've become a lot closer with people from his side, that's how I've kind of been able to kind of create, 

Angie: your little circle, 

Renee: your little circle. Yeah.

Yeah. But at the, at the time when I was having Kai, [00:32:00] no, there was no one really around me that was having children. And my sister was the only person that I could really, like I said, lean on for that support because her daughter and my daughter are three years apart. So that's so nice. It, it is my, my, my niece, Soleil, she cannot stand my daughter.

She's like that annoying little girl, you know what I mean? Like my, the annoying little girl, like the annoying baby. So my daughter always wants to be like, Oh my God, Soleil, like let's have a sleepover. And then Soleil's like, I'm good. I'm 

like, I'm okay. 

Angie: I'm sure they'll be besties when they're older. 

Renee: That is, that is the goal.

That is the goal. They're always gonna argue, 

so. 

Angie: Yeah, they're gonna be like sisters. Exactly. I know motherhood can be, A little bit isolating because you're basically just focused on this thing that you've pushed out of your body 24 7. [00:33:00] Can you talk about what that experience was like then regaining yourself back?

Renee: After having your 

daughter? I went through severe postpartum depression. Especially when it became, when it came to body dysmorphia. 

, I felt so horrible, like I hated looking at myself. So I struggled a lot with really figuring out, how I felt then like I was severely exhausted from waking up every few hours and breastfeeding and then pumping and all of that stuff. 

Angie: It's good that you're talking about like, your postpartum, and how you felt about your body, because I feel like now maybe that's part of the conversations that are being had, but I'm pretty sure that that was not the case. When you had your daughter, right?

Renee: It was just like the bounce back and 

and I thought it was going to be Yeah. So navigating through that was [00:34:00] quite difficult. I'd say that it lasted about nine months. And I remember going to the gym and like in the middle of my set, I'd be like, I'm so ugly. I'm so ugly and then cry. Like I'm not even getting by in the middle of my sides that good life.

, But you know, it. It definitely made me who I am today and I'm so proud of the progress that I've made and how much work and time I put into myself through that. Motherhood has been really hard for me. Even till now, I think when I started to actually find my groove was probably probably 10.

10 months in and starting to feel like myself. I, one thing, like you mentioned, it's quite isolating and A lot of my friends wouldn't even invite me to things because they'd be like, Oh, a baby, like, you know, like maybe you should like focus on that. Like we didn't want to, you know, we, we didn't think you'd want to come.

And I was like, [00:35:00] yeah, I had a baby doesn't mean I don't want to come to your birthday party. You know? So that was really hard for me. But I think things started. To fall into, like, fall into place and kind of, I got my groove back once like my mental was a little bit better.

And then I started going out again. I started going out on dates with Jamal, and I had time to myself. So I think that, that was really important. I had to really prioritize that time for me in order to really find myself. 

Angie: So you had this experience of body dysmorphia of like really not feeling good about your body. Did you always want to be in fitness? Was that something you had always done or like what pushed you to make that next step?

Cause It can either go two ways, where people are like, Oh, I have a really bad relationship with my body, so it's not safe for me to like, even think about working out, or do, because it can get spiraled, right? Whereas you went, okay, I'm gonna go into personal training, I'm gonna do all this stuff, like, what was the decision [00:36:00] making behind that?

And , how did your perception of your body change throughout that process?

Renee: The reason why I got certified was because I know How hard it is to have body dysmorphia issues, have a really hard relationship with food. And even now, like I still don't have the greatest relationship with myself and with food.

That's something I'm literally working on with my therapist right now. But I, I knew how much the postpartum community, like the new mom community. Didn't really have, a lot of exposure. So like not even exposure. It just wasn't talked about. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of support. And I wanted to be able to be that support for a young mom or a new mom that, that needed that.

And so for me, that was a reason why I got certified so that I can help people through that transition, from The journey, like I feel like my journey, it's still a continuous one. I don't feel like I've reached that destination. I started taking a lot of progress pictures. I started meal [00:37:00] prepping.

I started really counting my macros. I started trying different things, kind of researching different things to see what could work for me. And once I saw the progress in my body, I, and once I felt the progress in my body. That's when I was like, okay, like I'm on the right path. I know what I'm doing. I want to help other people do this too, because I know what it feels like.

So, getting certified was something that was really important to me because I always wanted to help people. I just didn't know in what sense I knew that I loved. Health and wellness. It was more from like a science y base because I had gone to school for nursing and dropped out fairly quickly.

But I, I didn't actually think that I would ever get into fitness. I, I was never athletic in high school. So it's just interesting how that has developed now into my later stages. 

Angie: Yeah. I feel the same way. Cause I was never that athletic. Like I played volleyball in elementary school. That was about it.

Renee: So [00:38:00] did I. But not in high school. High school, I did not do a damn thing. Like, 

nothing at all. I didn't try out. I was like, No, that's not for me.

Angie: What are you telling your clients? How are you shaping their perceptions of themselves 

Renee: it's a constant, it's a constant conversation. I think personal training involves a lot of therapy sessions too, because you're constantly listening to, your clients feelings and how they perceive themselves and where they want to be. So we focus on the now and we focus on little goals to attain that bigger goal.

I remind them that it's. It's going to take time and the faster it comes, the easier it is to go back to your old ways, the slower it comes. Yeah. Like that's where you see the most progress. So I come constantly reminding my clients, like it's going to take a long time and that's okay, but you have to learn to [00:39:00] enjoy the process.

And it's so much easier said than done to enjoy the process of it. But. It's, it's the only, it's the only way to kind of get through it. Right. Another thing I tell them is to stop looking at the scale, but the scale is like your enemy. I swear to God, I don't even remember the last time I looked on a scale because what I look at is how I fit into clothes and how I physically, right.

And that is what I constantly tell them, like, stop looking at the scale. They're like, oh, I was 125 pounds last week and now I'm 128, so I gained three pounds. And I'm like, no, you didn't . Yeah, no, 

you did not gain three pounds. 

It could be your time of month. You could have eaten something. You could have not used the washroom.

Like it could be a, a series of things. So it's like. Stop looking at the scale and, like, figure out how, not figure out, but see how you feel in your clothes how they're fitting you, and how you actually physically feel. 

Angie: Like your energy, , how [00:40:00] strong are you? Are you able to, like, Go up a flight of stairs 

Renee: without losing your breath or, you know, picking up a heavier weight than you picked up two months ago, kind of thing, right? Like you want to measure those kind of things, not continuously stepping on this scale and making yourself feel like shit every time you look at it, right? It's just constant reminders and I feel like I'm always repeating myself, but it's the only way to kind of get them through it. 

Angie: Yeah. And it's hard, right?

It's hard when you've, that's just all we've known is stepping on the scale, right? And now, now only it's getting different because it's true. I, I was going through a period like a month ago where I was stepping on the scale every single day and I knew, yeah, I knew it was not healthy. Like I, I know I have all the education.

And I've worked with all the people to know, like, I could be holding water, I could be getting my period, I could, I didn't take a shit today, like, I know all these things, but I was stepping on the scale every day and being like, [00:41:00] oh, I gained two pounds, oh, okay, I lost four pounds, okay, I gained three pounds back, and then I had to sit myself down and be like, we're not stepping on this scale anymore, let's just continue doing what we're doing, fine, step on the scale maybe like once a month, just, just to see, Okay.

 So a few months ago, I worked with one of my friends, Dallas, and she does programs and stuff like that. So they have an in body scanner. Have you ever done the in body scan?

I've never done one. No, I've heard of them though 

So that one is really interesting because it like tells you this is how much Muscle mass you have this is how much water you're retaining. This is how much like fat you're retaining and It was like interesting because so I stepped on the scale a few months back and I was at a certain weight And then I stepped on it yesterday Literally yesterday and I had gained weight, but in the scan is shown to gain muscle Ah, yeah, I [00:42:00] wouldn't have known that Unless that it had broken it down for me, because if I stepped on the scale, it would have shown that I made no progress.

But really, I have made progress. I gained, like, 0. 4 pounds of muscle. And I was like, yes! 

Renee: That is the best thing to gain. , 

Angie: yeah, like, I just want to reiterate to whoever's listening, like, the scale does not matter, like, exactly what you said. And it's way easier said than done, I know that, even for me, for someone who has all the education, I was stepping on the scale every single day, and then I had to have a chat with myself and be like, stop it.

before we wrap this up, , in those times where you felt you're slimmest, you're thinnest, like, because I think there's this perception of when you're skinny, you're healthy, and that's, Definitely not the case.

So when you felt your slimmest and your thinnest everything on the outside, what did that feel like on the inside and how has that changed now? 

Renee: That's a hard question [00:43:00] because I am probably the smallest I've been in in a very long time a lot of that came from stress.

And again, not a great relationship with food. So even coaches have a really hard time with things. So In all honesty, having the, like the, the lines and the ab lines and super small is not like, it doesn't necessarily mean you're at your happiest with yourself. Because to me, like, I'll still look at myself and be like, I really want to lose this.

And I want to lose this and I want to, I want this to look this way. So I wouldn't necessarily say that it. That it's always a great thing to be super thin. Right. When I was big, I was like my most happiest, right. And now I'm at my slimmest and I look at myself and I still don't feel great. So it's a, it's a battle with yourself constantly.

And definitely something I'm working on through therapy, but it stems from a lot of different things. 

Angie: I think you just brought it back full circle Which is [00:44:00] like, okay If you're, if you had a goal and then you've achieved that goal and you're still not happy Then maybe that goal wasn't what you were supposed to be working on It was maybe just another layer you had to peel back and now you're saying that you're doing therapy You're working on yourself And maybe it's just a sign that you need to do the inner work.

Now yeah, right like you've peeled back those layers and now you're like, oh shit. I still don't feel great So what else can I do? Next and i'm glad you're doing that versus being like, well, I just give up 

Renee: Like I said before like it's a continuous journey like health fitness and wellness like it's not It's not like a you, like you start and then you reach a destination.

Like I feel like it's just a forever a journey. And I think that that's such a beautiful thing because there's so many different stages, so many different chapters to unfold. And, as rough as it [00:45:00] could be right now, it means it only means that it's going to get better. So, yeah. Yeah. 

Angie: And I'm glad you're sharing that so cliche and I love cliches because they're cliches for a reason.

But I'm glad you're sharing that, people look at coaches on Instagram and on social media and it's very easy to say, Oh, look at them. They're so fit. They're so happy. But it's really important that you're sharing like, Hey, I'm, I'm like the slimmest I've been in a while and I'm still not happy.

Like I'm still working on. I'm still a working progress. So that's really important for people to understand and to have that realization that everyone is working on themselves. Nobody's perfect and the destination doesn't really matter. It's what work are you doing right now? 

Renee: . Like I think my sister quoted it.

It's not about the destination. It's about the journey. I think that's what she always says. And like, I think that's just always stuck. Cause I'm like, that's so true. It's just so true.[00:46:00] Coaches need coaches . And we, it just because you see, honestly, Instagram is the biggest facade ever.

And just because it looks the way it does doesn't mean it actually is that way. Yeah. So, just a friendly reminder to everyone to never judge a book by its cover.

Angie: That will bring us to our next segment, which is a spoonful of honey. So this is our sweeter stuff. This is like silver lining stuff. So What would you say? I think you kind of answered this already, but what would you say the turning point was in your healing journey?

Renee: I don't know if there was a turning point. I still feel like I'm healing constantly. I'm battling with a lot of different things right now. And I feel like it's just, like I said, it's just continuous. I think when I started to recognize How I was feeling and why I was feeling the way I was feeling that's maybe where I could say there was a turning point and I was able to communicate things a little bit differently about myself.

But yeah, I think it's still continuous for me right now. 

Angie: How [00:47:00] has becoming a mother changed you for the better? I feel like it hasn't. I'm worse. That's 

Renee: a, that's a funny question. Cause if Jamal was here, he'd definitely say that I'm lying, but I feel like it's given me a lot of patience. Something I never had before and I could still say that my patience is very thin, very thin. But I feel like I've, I've gained a lot more she is a handful and like, I know people say this about their children, but I'm actually serious.

She's like five kids in one. And because she knows how to articulate herself so well, like she's a very smart little girl. She's four. And I remember the day, cause we have her in a Montessori and I feel like. That has a lot to do with her development. Just how she kind of, like I said, articulates herself.

She came home and she started talking about Vincent van Gogh. Oh my God. Yeah. Like the things that they learn is incredible. And the way she talks about things is just, it's insane. And I think it's because of just how we speak to her also. So Having an argument with [00:48:00] her is like having an argument with like a 13 year old.

I swear to God, she is such a handful and she will go back and forth. She won't try and negotiate like she is so stubborn. She and it's a really great trait to have. She you're raising a strong little girl. Yeah. And she knows. What she wants and she will fight to the death until she gets it. So she, she's mentally and physically and emotionally, she's still kind of learning, but she's mentally and physically very, very, very strong and advanced, very advanced. 

Angie: You've talked a little bit about, you know, you're in therapy right now working on and kind of understanding the different things that you're feeling and going through. How else are you taking care of your mental and physical health? 

Renee: I haven't been for the past I'd say probably about five or six months now.

I've really been trying to focus on my relationship relationship [00:49:00] with my daughter, and kind of building that differently. And in the midst of all of that, I've taken on a new role I started managing a wellness facility downtown. I had to cut my clients and in half. Just recently because just there was so much, I felt like I was very overworked.

And I, I couldn't prioritize a lot of me time. Like I think not even, I think I know I haven't spent a lot of time even just in the gym. And like, that's not more of like, that's not an aesthetic thing for me. It's a mental thing just to get it out. And like, I haven't been able to prioritize that properly just because I haven't had the time to put it in.

So now I've kind of put up some boundaries for myself and I've. I've scheduled specific days for training instead of just kind of keeping it sporadic. And I've created like a, a solid schedule for me at work so that I can have that time for myself. So the goal, not the goal, but I am going to start journaling again.

Cause I stopped doing that a while ago. And [00:50:00] taking that moment in the morning for myself, the 

mornings are so crucial. Yeah, I, 

that extra hour or that extra hour and a half to yourself is like. The most beautiful thing when the world just feels so quiet and you're just just in your own presence and in your own being like it's just such a beautiful feeling.

And I love that. And then also try and take a daily walk. I love walking, especially just like in the neighborhood. Those are some things that I'm starting to implement in my daily. 

Angie: I love that you're just keeping it real and you're like, you know what?

Renee: I'm not really taking care of myself right now. I'm not. Not right now. But this is what I'm going to do and this is what I hope to implement. If you were like a client, say you were coaching you. What would you tell yourself? What advice would you give yourself? For this point in 

time in your life, I feel like I would tell myself that you're right, you're right where you, where you're supposed to [00:51:00] be. And although it feels really hard right now, it is going to get better and things are going to, things are. going to fall back to where they're supposed to be, and to remember to prioritize you.

Like just continue to push for that extra hour, extra 30 minutes, whatever you need in order to, you know, be and feel your best. 

Angie: What advice do you have for anyone that's had similar life experiences to you or like currently going through what you're going through now? Feeling like you don't have time for yourself?

Feeling like you need to be more, intentional with carving out that time for yourself. What advice would you have for any people who are struggling? Because I've talked to a lot of friends who are mothers as well and they're like, dude, I just don't have time. I'm feeling down on myself. Like, I don't even know where to start.

What would, what advice would you have for them? 

Renee: I definitely sit, like, get, get them to sit down with [00:52:00] themselves or I'd say, like, sit down with yourself like, I would even write down exactly what it is that you do on a daily, find someone that you can trust in to help you manage your emotions, whether that's a therapist, whether that's, a friend, a family member, your partner express to them how you're feeling, I'd even say like, right, like I said, write down everything that you do do in a day and start checking things off, start checking things off. Because when, when there's this feeling that you get, when you check something off on your to do list, you're like, Oh my God, I got it done.

Right. Yeah. That gives you some self of some sort of self gratification. And you feel like that self worth, right. So that's also something I would definitely suggest starting to do and then try and give yourself that extra 15 minutes that extra 30 wherever you can fit it in, do it, and some sort of movement, whether that's a walk, whether that's I [00:53:00] would even say like treadmill, like some sort of yoga, stretching, a light stretch.

Yeah. Some, something to get your body moving, to release those happy hormones and, getting you to feel, feel good. Those are definitely things that I would suggest to anybody. 

I love that. And now that I've been moving more consistently, like every day, whether it's, I don't like go to the gym every day, but like, if I don't go to the gym, I'll go for a walk or I'll do like a little stretch or roll, at least roll my body out.

I feel like now I understand that the workout portion is not necessarily about. Losing weight. It's really about managing stress because like when I've like, even though especially today's that I don't want to do it and I do it, I do it. And then I'm like, Oh, I did that really hard thing and it's done.

And now I'm good. And it kind of builds your mental stamina as well because it's like, you didn't want to do this [00:54:00] thing. It was really hard for you, but you did it anyways. And now you're good. So just starting with those little things every day can make such a difference. Such a 

difference, 

if you could speak to young Renee right now, cause like I've been in, I've been in and out of therapy for the last few years and I'm doing like a lot of inner child work, like what, if you could speak to young Renee right now, like what would you tell her? Like what's that thing she needs to hear? 

To stop focusing on things that don't matter. Yeah, stop focusing on things that don't matter. Focus on things that actually make you feel good. And I would tell her that I love her and that she's really strong. I think that if I focused more of my energy on things that, and I put more intention into things for me, then I wouldn't have gone through a lot of the things that I had gone through, but I'm not mad and I'm not.[00:55:00] 

Like regretting anything that had happened because it formed me today. Exactly. But I would definitely tell her to, at a certain age, I'd be like, bitch focus. Get it together. Get it together. There's great things coming. Just get it together now. 

And that's the whole point of this podcast. Like I just really want.

To reiterate that like all the things we've gone through, there's a purpose behind it and it makes us who we are. And I love that you just brought that full circle. My last little check in that I'm doing with all the guests now, I'm gonna ask you, so I'm gonna break it down. So, what is your sour? So what is that thing that you're like currently working on?

What is your sweet? What's bringing sweetness to your life? What's bringing you joy? And then what is your balance? What's keeping you grounded right now? So start with sour. What's your 

sour my sour? [00:56:00] So like basically one of my biggest struggles that i'm working on. Yeah Is finding time for myself? Is being able to also Yeah, fine time for myself, I'd say is my sour.

My, my sweet is the relation, the new relationships that I'm building, learning, I think learning my partner all over again. I'm learning how to build a different type of relationship with my daughter. Because those that changes all the time. And, although it has been sour, it has become very sweet.

So that's definitely something. And then my balance, I don't know if I figured out my balance yet. I don't know what grounds me yet. I'd probably say work my new, my new position at work is definitely keeping me. level headed. It's keeping me on the go. I feel really great when I'm there.

The energy is amazing. So it's [00:57:00] giving you like a 

purpose, giving you a purpose 

to just Get my shit together. Yeah, I definitely find that that's my balance. 

Angie: I love that and 

that's true for you right now, right that could change next week could change tomorrow could change in the next hour Yeah, exactly.

So I I love like just doing a little check in And it's kind of nice because sometimes you don't even realize. What's keeping you grounded at the moment. So it's nice to just do a little check in with yourself if people want to follow you if they want more information about you, where can they find you?

They can find me on Instagram Renee Virdee, I used to formally known as lift By Ren. I just changed it to Renee Virdee because people are always trying to search for my name. Yeah. They can also follow my TikTok. I haven't posted anything on TikTok in a long time, but it's at lift. byren. If anyone wants to follow me and follow along my journey.

Yay. 

Renee, thank you so much for joining us [00:58:00] today and being so open and Just honest and candid and so sweet she's she's five foot nothing but full of fire

so much it was my pleasure I love this and Maybe in a year, we'll do another check in with you and see where you're at. We should do that. 

Yes. We should definitely do that. Round two. All 

right. So, wait for round two, everyone, a year from now. In the meantime, be well, be loved, see you later.