|22| Honey Lemon Shots: This one's for all the eldest siblings

We're back! Took a little break (not on purpose) but back with a passion! This episode is all about sibling order and chatting about my experience as an eldest child. There are so many ways our upbringing and life can affect us and I thought it was so interesting to dissect how the order you were born in can affect your personality. 

I definitely comb through all of the traits of each sibling you could be and I would love to hear from you if you think these traits were true to you. Of course life experience and nuance will always be present but this is just a fun way to understand ourselves a bit better don't ya think? 

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Transcript

HLP 22 Eldest daughter

Angie: [00:00:00] Hey, everyone, and welcome back to the Honey Lemon podcast. My name is Angie, and I'm your host, diving into those sweet and sour experiences that make us who we are. Another solo episode for you. Last year, I was very bad at , being on top of my solo episodes, I just had an outpour of amazing guests who wanted to be on, and it ended up being a lot more guests than solo episodes, but this year I really just want to do, like, one guest, one solo episode.

A month and see how that goes because I do think these episodes are a way for me to connect for me to Share some thoughts what's inspiring me? What's affecting me all that good stuff So today if you are a part of my broadcast channel on Instagram You may have gotten a sneak peek of what was to be discussed and I actually asked you guys What you thought about this topic?

So if you haven't If you [00:01:00] haven't joined my broadcast channel yet on Instagram, just go to at the honey lemon pod on Instagram or at my personal page Angie Theva and you'll see my little broadcast page and my profile. Join it up. Let's all just heal our trauma together. You know what I'm saying? So this episode is About sibling order, specifically about eldest children, and I am a female, so this is very much going to be from the perspective of a female, and, yeah, I can't really speak to any other perspective other than that, what inspired this episode was, there is a creator, I forget her name, so I'm gonna look it up right now. Nika Nika Diwa. I think I'm saying her name right. I hope I'm saying her name right. If I'm not, Nika, I'm so sorry. But she's an amazing, like, mom [00:02:00] blogger. And she posted, so I guess she just recently had another baby.

Her second child and she posted this thing where and I have posted it at the honey lemon pod on Instagram So if you missed it go there and she posted this video where she was recording her eldest daughter the caption on the video said My eldest daughter has been acting up since her sister was born. I was gonna discipline her but instead I did this And what she did was she took her eldest daughter On just a mommy daughter date, they got their nails done and she's like, do you want to go on a date with mommy and she was like, yeah, and she was so excited and in the car, they're like, all right, like daddy's going to stay with their second child and The eldest daughter was like, yeah, [00:03:00] because she's too little and she was like, yeah, you're right.

She is too little So it's just gonna be you and me and when I tell you I From the beginning of this video I was a mess I started watching it immediately after I read the caption. I started tearing up and then throughout the entire video by the end I was like Because I just felt so seen I felt so seen as an eldest daughter It's just crazy how, , she was acting up, she was probably feeling frustrated, but she's young, so she doesn't understand that, , her parents just had this whole other human inserted into their lives, so they probably won't have the same attention to her as They used to and she's probably feeling that but she doesn't know how to communicate.

I'm I feel like I'm gonna cry right now She feels like she's not able to communicate that but the mom realized she was like she was acting up [00:04:00] but instead of disciplining her she Like nurtured her and gave her a little bit of extra love and Just seeing that I was like, oh my gosh that is just so sweet and so powerful because as an eldest child and if you're an eldest child listening like I don't know about you guys, I can only speak for myself, but I never really thought about, like, I've thought, I've thought about, if you listen to episode three, I go into my whole family dynamic, my whole, like, life story, so if you haven't listened to that, I would, grab a hot beverage and go listen to that after this episode but basically, I have thought a lot about , how my upbringing has affected me and how, like, throughout life, being an eldest sibling has nurtured me into the person that I am.

But I've never really thought about, like, that transition period of being an only child, then [00:05:00] going into being. An eldest sibling and not having all the attention. So, I wanted to like kind of break that down and then also, if you are part of the broadcast channel you'll know that I asked questions, so I'm going to read some of your comments and kind of dissect those a little bit as well.

Before I get into it, yep, yep, yep. If you have not, because I see, I see how many of you listen, okay? I see it. And it does not match the number of subscribers. So, if you could do me a solid, and if you're an active listener, or if you're just listening for the first time, It's free. If you want to support me, hit that subscribe button.

If you like this podcast, , if I did something, share something that you resonated with, I would love to hear from you. Just give me a little star rating on Spotify, right up there on the honey lemon podcast page. There's a little star. Give me five stars. That's all you got to [00:06:00] do. Head over to Apple podcasts.

Give me a little review, a little five stars. It, it's like the best free way to support your girls so I can become a full time podcaster and live my life dream. Okay? Anyways. So, back to this topic of being an eldest sibling. So, I also wanted to bring up a, cause I feel like sometimes we have these like pain points or energetic points in our , I'm very like woo woo, very energy driven and I really think There is a flow of energy within our spirit, our bodies, and when things are unresolved or traumatic things happen where it causes blockages, when you see something, that's when like people get triggered, right?

When you see something that triggers you or that hits that pain point that's like right at that blockage, [00:07:00] I feel like that emotional eruption Is something we should pay attention to. So, me sobbing at this like, one minute TikTok video of this mom taking her daughter out for a date, sobbing, like, , I already know what my things are, , what my reactions mean and everything, but it was just like, oh, okay, like, that still hurts, I guess. So, , okay, so if you're not an eldest sibling or you are an, if you are an eldest sibling and even if you're not, if you have ever watched the movie Encanto, Encanto, I'm trying to be really Espanol, Encanto, Lin Manuel Miranda, I'm trying to He wrote all the songs, I believe, and there's one song, and that movie is very much about family dynamic, , it's such a great movie, I feel like I need to watch it again at this point, cause I, I watched it a lot when it came out, [00:08:00] sometimes Disney gets it right, I know they are problematic, but this movie is great.

It really got it right. So, there's this character, her name is Louisa. So Louisa is the oldest sister Of the family, she's the eldest daughter, and she is personified as this really strong, like she's very muscular, very strong, and basically does all the heavy lifting in the house. And all the, like, manual labor, all the hard stuff that's, like, really taxing on everyone's body, , she does it, but she's able to do it so easily because that's her power.

So, in the movie, every family member has like a power a gift that they have. So Louisa's is superior strength. That's her gift. And I think that is such a beautiful personification of the eldest sibling slash the eldest daughter. [00:09:00] Every family member has their own musical number and hers is this upbeat lively song but if you go watch that song right now on YouTube, it depicts like the eldest daughter struggle. Perfectly, and I'm gonna read some of the lyrics because it's just insane also this when I watched this Movie and the first time I watched this song and listened to this song again sobbing like but it's not like a sad song It's a very upbeat nice song, but the imagery that goes with it and the lyrics It's just like oh my gosh, you get it.

You get it Lin Manuel Miranda okay, I'm gonna read some of the lyrics so I move mountains, I move churches, and I glow because I know what my worth is. I don't ask how hard the work is. I got a rough indestructible surface, diamonds and platinum, I find them, I flatten them. I take what I'm handed, I break [00:10:00] what's demanded. So that depicts like the outer personification of the eldest daughter.

Especially, I'm speaking from like the ethnic South Asian perspective, eldest daughter is Basically like a second mom and is expected to be the perfect one, the strong one, they're always the strong one, they're the caretaker, the nurturer they just naturally fall into those roles, they're indestructible, often their emotions are not like at the forefront, they're seen as the strong .

Nurturing caretaker. But then the lyrics go on but under the surface I feel berserk as a tightrope walker in a three ring circus under the surface Was Hercules ever like, Yo, I don't want to fight Cerberus.

Under the surface, I'm pretty sure I'm worthless if I can't be of service. [00:11:00] That line, Under the surface, I'm pretty sure I'm worthless if I can't be of service. That is eldest daughter to a T. If I can't be of service, what is my worth? What is my point in life? What is my drive? What is my why? And if you look at a lot of families, the eldest daughter usually is at least in my family.

Like my my mom is actually the youngest child and my periama. My mom is Amma, which means mom her oldest sister, I call her my Periyama, because it means like big, big mother, because she's like the older mother, the big mom, the big dog. So my Periamma personifies this so heavily. Under the service, I'm pretty sure I'm worthless if I can't be of service. And when I tell you this woman, get, like, she was [00:12:00] selfless. She gave everything to everybody. And that actually, I, I don't know if it, like, truly brought her joy or not, but it really looked like it brought her joy.

She really loved to She loved to cook, feed everybody, she loved to take care of everybody, she was so, like, thoughtful and nurturing, and that was where, like, all of her self worth came from, she loved to take care of everybody, and, as I was thinking about recording this episode, , She passed away in 2016, so her memory just has been very present lately, like she's always present, but her memory has been very present with me lately because I never fully appreciated that we were both eldest daughters, and we probably had a lot to relate to.

I'll just go through a few other lines because it's just like Oh my god, I'm tearing up right [00:13:00] now. Under the surface, I think about my purpose.

Can I somehow preserve this? But wait, if I could shake the crushing weight of expectations, would that free up some room for joy or relaxation? Like, this is something I feel so deeply. , for the longest time, I felt like, I had to meet all these, , really high expectations and I still have such high expectations of myself.

Like, I try to act like I don't, but I still have such high expectations of myself. Like, even with the smallest things, like how clean my house is or, The things I do at work, I never allow myself to make a mistake. , making a mistake is like, I hate making mistakes. But mistakes are how you learn, so you can't hate mistakes because that's literally how you learn. So, I feel like I've never truly, like, stuck with anything, [00:14:00] or, Like really been disciplined and like fought for something in my life in terms of like doing things so like dance I've always loved to dance, but like I've always been teetering on like being fully committed to it being not Podcasting I would say is the first time I'm like fully Committed to something so, I just wanted to share that little, like, pop culture corner sibling dynamics. Because, , if you watch that movie, , I really related to Luisa the most because she really depicted and her, even her demeanor, like if you look at her character, she is strong.

Like she is big, muscular, strong, like she is the epitome of strength. But in that movie, she starts losing her powers because she is Being crushed by, , the expectation of the fact that she needs to be strong all the time and what will my family do if I don't have my powers? Am I [00:15:00] worthless without my powers?

Am I worthless without my strength? Is that the only thing I have to offer? And then she was like, what if I just, like, release this crushing weight? Is there room for joy and relaxation? Because it sounds like she's always doing something. She's always lifting. She's always helping. She's always nurturing.

She's always, like, being the big sister. I think, I want to head over to my own experience, I guess, as an eldest sibling, I think my situation is a little bit different. And if you listen to episode three, you'll understand why when I was in grade two.

So I guess that's like six years old. My brother was. Diagnosed on the autism spectrum. So on top of being a eldest daughter, I also was the eldest sibling in a family where, so as an eldest sibling, you already don't get all the [00:16:00] attention. You don't get everything that the youngest does just simply because they are younger and they need more attention.

Like that's just a fact of life. But add in any sort of developmental, physical. Hardship in there that just, , I feel like amplifies everything. Before my brother was born slash, diagnosed, no, before he was born, I've seen videos of myself, like home videos, and I was so loud and really, , obnoxious and just, like, center of attention. And even my cousins, , when I say, , yeah, I'm shy, I'm introverted, they're like, no, you're not, , you were always, like, jumping around, like, being the center of attention, dancing around, like, doing the most.

But I always remember, like, the feeling I had growing up and still to this day, I remember just being under the surface. As Luisa would [00:17:00] say, under the surface, I felt so scared and shy I really wanted people to like me and I felt really like judged by people. I had a high expectation of myself, I guess.

So, I, I would say when, my brother was diagnosed, like, I feel like our whole family dynamic changed. So, I went from being the eldest sibling who already didn't get that much of attention, or anything, like that. Like, I mean, in terms of attention, obviously my parents loved me. They still like nurtured me and did the most for me and took care of me.

, there was no loss of love. It was just like, there's another kid in here, so you're gonna have to figure it out sometimes. Because my brother was younger. But when he was diagnosed, I feel like there was such a dynamic shift where my parents were always really strict, and very focused on academics.

But I feel like [00:18:00] when my brother was diagnosed, , the focus on me to do really well in school and in anything was multiplied tenfold. So, like, every test that I brought home had to be An A or above, they would be, like, why did you get a B?

You should be getting As. You're so smart. You're this. You're that. I sometimes feel, like, because there was so much pressure, I, like, Purposely didn't try as hard also because I think a lot of things just came naturally to me in terms of school Like I figured out the school system pretty early on in life Like this school system as long as you follow instructions And do what the rubric tells you to do, you will do well.

You just have to be able to memorize things and follow instructions. And you will do relatively well in school. For the most part. [00:19:00] Except for math. I hate math. And that was the bane of my existence. And there have been many, many crying sessions at the kitchen table where, and everyone knows this, I think, where you're sitting at the kitchen table with your math homework, with your parent, mom or dad or whoever, and they're like yelling at you because you're not getting it, and then you're scared to get things wrong because Yeah, it's just a shit show.

Anyways, so, I feel like for me, that whole thing just changed everything. And I'll speak about, you know, emotionally how I think that affected me. So, I think I became super independent. Like, I didn't like asking for help for anything, whether it was Regarding school, regarding like emotional things, problems I was dealing with, never talked [00:20:00] about them because I just felt like I needed to be strong and I needed to deal with things myself because there's too much going on here.

My brother, my parents like worked really hard with my brother like to get him to a place where he was He's at least like self sufficient. On his, for his range of autism, like I would say he is more on the mild side. Like he is verbal, he is able to communicate. He's very emotionally intelligent, I would say. And I think he has a lot of anxiety as well. Just, I think that comes with Being on the autism spectrum. So just like developmentally, it's a little tougher for him. But they worked so hard on him. But while working so hard on him, I do feel like I had to kind of pull myself up and do things on my own.

And I don't think I really realized, , what that was like [00:21:00] until I started therapy and discussing all these things with the therapist and, I say I would have, like, I have, like, the golden child syndrome where it's, like, I should do no wrong because I'm the eldest. I'm setting the standard and I have to be perfect.

I have to, I, my parents literally said this to me all the time. They were like, you are our only hope because they said they cannot expect the same from my brother that they expect from me. And I literally had to live up to that standard and I don't blame my parents for this because there was not all this education and support that there is now where you can , you know, follow people like Nika and follow other bloggers and there's all this information out there on how to also nurture like Be more inclusive with your children and not make these, , mistakes.

But our parents were doing the best they [00:22:00] can. So you can't really, like, blame them. I don't blame my parents at all. They were literally doing the best that they could. But doesn't change the fact that my life has progress the way it has. I've ended up fine. I'm totally fine. I actually like being super independent.

I don't like asking people for help. That can be a detriment as well because I think it's a fine line between like someone asking for too much help and then someone who never asks for help sometimes that burden is heavy. And we don't really realize how heavy it is until we release it. Okay, so I think a good way to summarize, like, what I think, Being an eldest child has taught me and how it has shaped me. I think we should go by points. So number one, definitely hyper independent. Always want to do things myself because [00:23:00] that's just what I had to do. I think as early as grade 5, grade 4, grade 5, I want to say, like, I took, I did my homework myself.

I didn't really ask for help. My parents did put me in Kumon because I was like struggling with math. It was not fun. But yeah, hyper independent, I would say, and I like, had fun on my own, , that's where my love for , film and movies and TV comes from, because TV and film like raised me, you know, that's where I was entertained.

I felt safe, like in books, in movies. I felt like I could just immerse myself in them and be really, really happy there. And that's where my, I don't know if anybody else does this, but like I will rewatch a movie like 10 times if I really love it, because I just love experiencing it over and over and over again.

I think that comes [00:24:00] from feeling really safe with those elements, whether it's film, TV, movies, books, they give you access to a space that you didn't have before, or they give you an outlet. Into something you couldn't experience before, and it makes you feel at home.

And makes you feel seen, like maybe you see yourself in some of these characters, or you are comparing yourself, it just makes you feel like you're not alone. You know, especially those like teen dramas that are like super dramatic and everything, and you're like, oh my god, my life is understood, but now you're like, whoa.

Just a bit too dramatic, maybe, but it's fine. Number two, I would say is, I did feel like there were such high, high expectations of me growing up, and I think this is something eldest children will agree with. Like, the expectations of me were so [00:25:00] high. , my parents were really strict, but they were like overly strict, where I couldn't even like, first of all, sleepovers were a no no, that was just not a thing, and I think that's like a brown parent thing across the board, yeah, sleepovers were a no, never explained why though, and then later on I was like, Okay, I get it, but maybe just like, educate your kids to tell you if something happens.

Or like, to have clear boundaries with people, I wasn't allowed to do like, so much shit, like, all my other friends were Playing after school, walking to and from school alone, and it was such a big deal for me to do anything. And because I was so hyper independent, it always baffled me that like, hey, I'm doing all of this on my own, but then you You don't trust me to do, like, this stuff on my own, like, walking to school, or going to a friend's house, there's, like, this thing in South Asian [00:26:00] culture, like, up until I was, , in my 20s, , if you go out on Friday, you're not going out for the rest of the weekend, like, you can only go out, , once.

And then if you go out, , one weekend, you have to, , stay home the next weekend. It was just, , an unspoken thing. You, like, I just wasn't allowed to do anything. So, again, that's why I reverted to, like, TV, movies, because, , that was the only thing I was allowed to do. I was just allowed to, like, sit at home.

Literally, I remember one day, I wasn't even allowed to, like, ride my bike outside. I feel like my parents just, got selectively stricter and stricter as I got older, like all of a sudden like riding bikes and going out was not allowed. And I remember one time I went to my dad, I'm like, Hey, I am gonna go like ride my bike with my friend. And he was like, no. I'm like, what do you mean? And he was like, no, just, just stay home and watch a movie. And I wasn't allowed to go out, literally.

So it was stuff like that where it was just like, okay, you're [00:27:00] protecting me so hard, but from what? And the fact that I was already so hyper independent and do it myself type, it just made it even more frustrating because you're so hyper independent, but also you're so stifled because you're not allowed to Live your life.

So high expectations, but also very repressed Overly overprotected I would say because you're the eldest child. You're the first child You are the one that taught your parents everything your parents learned how to parent from you You were the experiment That then they learned the do's and don'ts, and then with the second child often it's like a little bit easier.

Third child, they're just like, yeah, whatever, do whatever you want, you know? Number three, I would say is. The eldest children are the trailblazers, for sure. Like, the eldest [00:28:00] children walk, so the other siblings can run and fly and do all of the things. You're the trailblazers, you're the goats, you're the ones that make it happen. And I firmly believe that the eldest children just have that spunk, that flair, that humor, that, you know, the other ones just don't have. I'm sorry. I thought I would share a few traits that I found on the internets for different children.

This is from medpsych. net. So I don't know how, medically or psychologically accurate this is, but let's see, I have read through it a bit, so some of them are like, yeah, this is This is pretty accurate. So, firstborn children are unique from other children because their parents are new to the [00:29:00] job.

They're learning how to do everything as they go, literally what I said before. Therefore, they tend to be more strict, mm hmm, have higher expectations and be more anxious with their oldest child than they would with any other children they may have down the road. As other siblings, Are added into the mix.

The oldest child tends to take on a bit of a second parent role to their younger sister or brother. Firstborns tend to score high on conscientiousness, due to their surrogate to parent role in the family and the responsibilities that go with that. Key birth order traits of a first born child. Go getter, responsible, role model, determined, rule follower. Oh, I'm such a rule follower, like, nobody's business. , when I do something, it needs to be by the book and have to follow, like, a structure. [00:30:00] I need processes. I need structure. I need rules to make for it to make sense to me.

I'm not this like abstract learner, not at all. Hard worker, cautious, bossy, then there's middle child. Children tend to stand out somewhat on agreeableness and openness to experience. They are highly invested in Getting on well with others, they have experience negotiating for what they need within the family, and always have to share divided parental investment.

From the moment the second child is born, they share everything with their older siblings, so they never know what it's like to have 100 percent of their parents attention. That's an interesting point that I never really thought about, I guess, as an eldest child, is like, The eldest child, you did have your parents for 100 percent of the time.

They were 100 percent yours for a certain period of time, depending [00:31:00] how old you are in comparison to your sibling. But your sibling never has experienced 100%. Of the parent's attention. So, that's interesting. This can influence the development of their inherent personality traits. Middle children can be diplomatic, nurturing, introspective, tentative, and have a tendency towards keeping the peace.

Ooh, that's interesting. These traits are often reinforced by parents and siblings through familial interaction. Key birth order traits of middle children are adaptable, social butterfly, dreamer, generous, creative, rebellious, competitive, funny, great negotiator. I guess they're the great negotiator because they're sharing everything, especially if they have Like, multiple younger siblings, they end up having to, , fight for their share, I guess.

 Youngest sibling. [00:32:00] Parents with multiple kids are more laid back and lenient when it comes to raising their youngest child, the so called baby of the family. This is why youngest children usually end up having a more happy go lucky personality, and since the youngest borns Other siblings are older and becoming less reliant on their parents, the baby of the family is also given extra attention, which can sometimes keep them from becoming super independent. In general, high agreeableness, extroversion in the social dimension, and openness are associated with youngest children, and sometimes low conscientiousness due to lack of responsibilities and parental indulgence over expectations. So the baby is, like, babied. They don't necessarily have as high expectations because the parents are, at that point, they're like, do whatever you want, bro.

Be you. [00:33:00] And I've noticed this with the youngest children. They have a lot more leeway, I think, to, like, be themselves because the oldest child, I feel like parents, parents feel like their eldest child is a direct reflection of them. and their values whereas the youngest child is like, do, do what you gotta do.

Just like get through life, you know? And because they're the baby, they might be, nurtured a little bit too much because the other two have figured it out, they're doing their own thing, they're resilient, they're independent, they have to figure it out on their own, whereas the youngest child has so many people to look up to and to, kind of help them that they might not get that same level of independence because They're just so used to everybody helping them and being there for them.

I think this is like super true with my brother, he does [00:34:00] have the developmental aspect as well, but sometimes I think my parents Take care of him a little bit too much and underestimate him I think that he's very smart and he is totally capable of doing things But I think his self confidence in his ability to do things Is not as strong as it could be like if I had to do something new, I might be scared to do it.

It might be a little bit anxiety ridden to do it, but I have confidence that I can figure things out if I need to, whereas I think my brother, he, like, we really like sit down with him, like I'm like I feel like this is a whole other episode that I can do. It's like, I will never stop the work that I have to do with my brother.

We'll never stop because. I always need to be there to support him [00:35:00] and to, and I'm not saying this in a bad way at all, like, I'm there for my sibling, whatever they need, but, example, he works in, , the service industry, so, the Ontario government or Canada, whatever, they decided, oh, your SmartServe now expires every four or five years, so you have to, like, redo your SmartServe every four or five years.

And to like anybody else, it's whatever, that's like a day, I just do all the modules and it's fine, and I do the test. For someone like my brother who is neurodivergent, who doesn't learn like everybody else, who doesn't take tests as well as everybody else standardized tests, like, for things like that, in order for him to Be successful at his job and be able to remain employed to do that.

Like we have to sit. It's like weeks of time that we're spending with him to sit down to help him to learn. [00:36:00] I'm like testing him. It's like a whole thing. And this is true for like every little thing that he has to do. Like, and then my mom is like super anxiety ridden. Like she, she, my mom actually, as the youngest child.

I would say, like, she, her confidence in being able to do stuff on her own. I've noticed that, like, I just had an ahem Eureka moment because for me, as I said, I can figure things out and I'm fine. But for her, like, she stresses out about having to do anything new, about having to Learn something new, apply something new, do anything that she is not comfortable with.

And she needs help to do that. And I only learned this about her as I got older, so I can only imagine what her life was like before I was able to start, like, helping her. Let me know what you guys think about these [00:37:00] little descriptions on medpsych. net. I thought it was pretty interesting.

To just think about these things, you know, us eldest children, we got to stick together, man. I feel like we're the ones that are like breaking the generational trauma and Maybe not everybody but in my case, I feel like I'm the one in my family who's like breaking generational trauma.

I'm Schooling my family on like, you know mental health is important and I'm like you all need therapy I say that like at least once a week to my family I'm the one that's like hey, like you should probably be doing this like this is not the best for you I feel like the eldest child really ends up being the caretaker going forward.

And then, I haven't even touched on what the difference is between, you know, if you are a female eldest child and a male [00:38:00] eldest child, I think the expectations are totally different. My fiancé is an eldest child, I feel like the, in terms of expectations and all of that stuff, Very much similar, but for him, he didn't have that extra strictness because he was a boy.

So he was able to be a lot more free and be himself. Because he was a boy versus me who, like, I feel like as women, we have all these extra things placed on us that we need to live up to. Small example. So, we were at my in law's place for a dinner, and my family was there, his family was there, and this is like a thing, like, if you go to someone's house, You have to, like, offer to help and, like, if they accept your offer, you, , help them, , get things ready or, like, set the table, whatever.

And I had [00:39:00] offered to help and they said, no, no, you're fine, like, just sit down, relax. And then as my mother in law and sister in law were, , puttering around the kitchen and stuff, my mom, like, made eye contact with me and she was, like, mouthing to me, like, go help. And I was like, yeah, okay, , maybe I should be helping.

But also, no one has ever looked at my partner, a man, and been like, oh, you should be helping in the kitchen. You should be doing stuff. Like, why aren't you doing stuff? Like, no one has, he's on his phone, he's watching the game, he's doing whatever he wants.

Nobody is batting an eye. But I'm like, sitting there, engaging in the conversations that are being had. And my mom's like, go help. And I was just like, so triggered in that moment, but that's just like, that's like a small thing, because I feel like the females are expected to like, do all of those extra things.

Because they are simply because they are female, [00:40:00] whereas like the men don't have that and specifically in South Asian families, I feel like the sons are, I think this is like changing now, but sons are put on such a pedestal and daughters are not so son, especially eldest sons, I feel like it's a totally different dynamic and expectation level than a, Oldest daughters, because oldest daughters are expected to be mothers themselves, they're expected to nurture, they're expected to take care of everybody else.

Oldest sons, I don't know. Eldest sons, please let me know what, what do you feel like your expectations were? Because I think commonly, eldest sons are put on a pedestal. Especially in South Asian families, and they are kind of like, they can do no wrong. They can, [00:41:00] they can do what they want, like, oh yeah, like, go enjoy, go have fun, like, be your best self.

I don't know, is that unfair to say? I feel like. They don't have the same strict, when I'm talking about this, I'm talking about, like, the strict expectations, the strict discipline, they're, that, those same rigid, strict rules are not applied to eldest sons in the way they are applied to eldest daughters.

I don't know. Is that fair to say? Like, does anyone agree with that? I don't know. I'm not an eldest son, so I can't really speak to it, but in my experience, I have seen that the eldest son is usually a lot more free and a lot less burdened. Not in all cases, but in a lot of cases. If depending on the family dynamic, [00:42:00] this is I'm going to switch it around now because this is not true for my dad, who is an eldest son, both of his parents passed away when he was quite young.

I think he was in his teens. So then he was expected to take care of all of his siblings and he has a lot of siblings. He had one, two, three, four other siblings. So they're a family of five. And he took care of all of them, like helped them go to school, like buying whatever they needed. So I know this, there's nuance and there's lots and lots of different cases, but I'm just generalizing here and just talking openly. Obviously, this is a safe space. So if you want to chat with me and, talk more about this topic and what you've experienced let me know, send me a DM at the Honey Lemon Pod or at Angie Theva.

All right, I'm going to close it up by [00:43:00] sharing a few of your comments that were shared in the Honey Lemon Pod. Broadcast channel and if you haven't joined it yet, I'm not really sure what you're waiting for what you're doing Okay, so So the question I asked was eldest siblings. It's sharing time and I basically said Like I was just asking for people's Opinions and experiences on being an eldest sibling.

So the first is saw me as a parent, not a sister slash friend as a teen. Took time to work through. So yeah, she, she's basically saying Her, their younger siblings saw them more as a parent rather than a sister slash friend.

And that probably takes time to work through, as a kid because you're a kid and, but then you're also like a second parent. So it's wild. Next person [00:44:00] says was like my mama, but she's 25 years older and I love her as my mama. So yeah, this person, their sibling is 25 years older than them. So they're, that's a huge age gap and they were basically their mom.

I love that. Breaking in our parents for everything. And I touched on this before, like, we are the experiment, we are the trial run before the next child comes along, you know? Which is fair, like, you've, if you've never been a parent before, that first child is gonna be where you're learning everything.

Doesn't matter how many books you read, or how many podcasts you listen to, that, nothing is gonna prepare you for being a parent. For the first time but I do think reading the books and listening to the podcast and doing the work on yourself can be helpful for when you're a [00:45:00] parent. This person said pave the road for my little sis, but also have all the parental anxiety.

So yeah, you like take on that extra anxiety for your younger sibling. Like, what is my younger sibling gonna do? Are they gonna be successful? Like, these are things that parents think about. But then when you're an eldest sibling, you also take on that role and that anxiety of thinking about it. And this is something, like, I feel like I need to work through in therapy because I know eventually I'm going to have to be the caretaker for my brother and this is something that I haven't quite, like, this is something I'm happy to do.

I've always known that this was my path and this is something that is going to be a part of my life. And, any partner that I've had, I've made that very clear that this is something that's going to happen. So just the fact that, you know, like, [00:46:00] People ask me like, oh, are you having children? Are you gonna have a child?

And the truth is, I already have a child. Like, I'm going to be taking care of someone already. So, I have no desire to add a child into my life when I already have one. And I already have, like, all these other responsibilities that I have to, basically attend to. So, I have zero desire to add anything else into that plate.

So, yeah. That's something I need to work through and maybe I'll do another episode on because it is a thing to be a caretaker and be that second parent and truly be that second parent because I know when my parents are gone, I'm going to have to step it up. And it does worry me sometimes because It's something that I definitely push down and try not to think about just yet, because brother and I are not that close.

[00:47:00] He, we don't really talk or, it's not that we don't get along. I think he just doesn't like me and I don't know why. And you know, people, people who know people on the spectrum, it's like either you're their person or you're not. And unfortunately I'm not my brother's person. And I think just. The way we grew up and like me being focused on like, we were always in different places at different times.

Like, we were never in the same high school. I think we were in the same, same elementary school until like, I was in 8th grade. But then after, and our relationship was pretty good up until then. But I think after we kind of separated in high school, university. I definitely didn't make the time to, like, spend time with him and continue to nurture that relationship.

So that's something I'm constantly working through and thinking about how I can improve that. [00:48:00] But, you know, it's, it's heavy and it's a struggle and something I need to figure out. Next one. Oh, only child. Does this count as eldest? So I responded yes to this person, but no, it does not count as eldest because you are essentially the baby and you get all the attention.

So in my opinion, if you are, I mean, like it could kind of, because then like your parents have no other person to put all the attention into. So potentially. That can affect you in other ways, too. Only Children, send me what your experience was like. I'm the eldest, biggest blessing, but I take the brunt of everything.

Yes, I totally feel this. I feel like I am As the eldest daughter, eldest child, I'm like the teacher, I'm the one that has to educate everybody on, like, this is the right thing to [00:49:00] do, and like, this is the way we should be doing this, and this is ignorant, you shouldn't talk like this, and you need therapy, and you need therapy, and you need therapy, like, I take the brunt of everything, like, if there's a mistake in the, it used to, it used to be, if there's, like, a mistake made, like, I was the one that had to, like, deal with it, the oldest child really gets the short end of the stick, I think, when it comes to that. So I totally get taking the brunt of everything. You are the first wall that the forces have to fight through, I feel like, because As I said before, the eldest child walked, so the other siblings could run, fly, flourish.

So thanks for participating, everyone who participated in my little broadcast channel questions, fun, little thing. This was an [00:50:00] episode I was looking forward to recording, all of my love goes out to my eldest, fellow eldest siblings. If you are an eldest sibling, I want to hear from you.

I want to hear your story. Yeah, and you are, you are seen. You are loved. I think in conclusion, all of these episodes, like these solo episodes, are really just Me bringing up topics that I've been thinking of that are weighing on me or that I get inspired to talk about because I love creating a deeper understanding of ourselves. So, I think in order for us to really understand ourselves.

point of this podcast. We need to understand like how we were raised. How did that affect us? And there's so many different things that can affect us. And this is just one of the facets, I think, that develop, who we [00:51:00] are as people. And it's just, I think it's so important to be self aware about these things because because otherwise, what's the point? Like, we need to, we need to just, like, understand ourselves, isn't that the point of life? To reach self actualization. If you have any comments about this episode, I would love to hear it. If you are still listening and still being entertained by me thank you for listening. And, again, if you haven't subscribed, go subscribe right now. Like, right now, you're listening, go subscribe. If you subscribed, go give me a star rating slash review, okay? It doesn't take much because I see, I see y'all listening and you're not reading or subscribing or reviewing and it helps me a lot, okay?

So, with that, thank you for joining me, be loved, be well, see you later.